drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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