You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
