Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
