You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
