i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My vagina just clenched in fear
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
