hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
