He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
