omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
