so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
In America we eat man semen.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
