i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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