I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this boner is exhausting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize