His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
