Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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