I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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