true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
