mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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