my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just blew my weed a kiss
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
