anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
