Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
