I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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