Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
