I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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