Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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