Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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