Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
