i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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