Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
