I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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