I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
