she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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