erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
