remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize