I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i think i just lost a toe
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
