You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize