Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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