Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
