She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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