she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
