How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
whose ass print is on the piano?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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