Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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