I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
