He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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