I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Shame - the story of my life.
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