Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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