Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
