he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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