Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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