I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
