My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
