haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
