I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize