I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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