speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
