I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
