peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
