Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
