So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
