I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize