god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
