my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm both gender and math confused
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
