I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
