Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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