She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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