I am puke
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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