he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
as a side note pls kill me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
