my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
