There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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