you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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